Encounters with Meher Baba Part V

Earlier that day, I had visited the Lagoon Cabin where Baba used to give his interviews and such. I sat facing the chair in which he used to sit, but something remained illusive to me. I had the thought, "This isn't the view you want," and just briefly I decided to sit on the floor in front of Baba's chair facing out, taking in the room from his perspective. There was some mental chatter going on from past belief structures about not turning one's back to a master, and I couldn't, in that moment, get past that. My meditation was shallow, and I left.

Later that day, after the beach and a shower, I wasn't quite ready for dinner, so I returned to the Lagoon Cabin. This time, I sat in a chair to the side of Baba's (and it was just right) facing a large photograph of Meher Baba sitting in a chair as I was. In that way, we were mirror images of one another. And to me, it felt like we were sitting across from each other for real.

I read the prayers on the walls, thought about some of what I had read the day before, and inferiority began to arise. There were some beliefs operating about not being good enough or ever in a million years being able to measure up to this Avatar. I don't perform the miracles of Meher Baba. I don't administer to the sick and poor. I am not selfless, nor fully awakened in every moment, nor free of petty thoughts or emotions. All the ways we are different flooded me.
But the thoughts didn't cling. Like waves, they receded. I dropped the idea that I had to live my life like Baba lived his to be close to God. I dropped the concept of worth. And then I decided to say a prayer that don Miguel Ruiz taught called the Circle of Fire Prayer. In a way, I was saying to Baba, "Here is a prayer I love and how I choose to live my life to the best of my ability." It was my offering. It was, in that moment, the only treasure I felt I had.

When I got to the line "we will respect all creations as a symbol of our love communion with the one who created us", something in me popped and opened. I had a realization that the one who created the perfect being Meher Baba also created the perfect being Dielle. That One began to shine through from behind Baba's photo. I saw we were brother and sister, a projection of the same source, not master and student. We are animated by the very same source. I sat across from Baba as an equal creation in God's eyes...not a lesser one. I don't perform the miracles of Meher Baba. I don't administer to the sick and poor. I am not selfless, nor fully awakened in every moment, nor free of petty thoughts or emotions. AND I am a perfect creation.

This was the first time in my life I ever truly felt the complete absence of self-hatred. I only thought I knew what that was before this moment. I felt a wave of such deep gratitude, kinship, and peace to be me. There were two books on the table. The first was titled "Love Personified." My eyes took it in and then POP! I realized, "Oh, that's me!" The second was titled "God in Human Form". And POP! "Oh, that's me too!!!" I laughed, and I thanked Baba and exclaimed Jai Baba! to which I heard in reply Jai Dielle! And I laughed some more. And I swear, the photo of Baba grew brighter and his smile three times wider.

I floated to dinner, and the next morning I went to give my blessing to the sea. The sun was just coming up turning the waters a liquid shining silver. I prayed for all its creatures, for its protection, for its continued majesty. And I gave it my gratitude. And the waves rose gently lapping, kissing my feet.