That first night, my intention was to stay in my cabin and meditate after dinner until bedtime. A family with several children were just moving into a cabin near mine. The children were yelling at one another, and one was dribbling a basketball. I figured, "Okay, they are just getting settled." And I focused on allowing the sounds to pass right through me. Within minutes, I became mentally hooked, and I began to think of nothing but the noise! The children continued to dribble and scream at each other. They were slamming doors and screaming, "Mommy!" And a righteous indignation began to arise in me. "This is a retreat center, for Christ's sake! Not a family motel!" I'm thinking to myself.
So, as I was already completely hooked and couldn't unhook, already fantasizing the nightmare of an entire weekend like this, I decided to do the most compassionate (toward myself) thing. I broke my own pledge of silence to ask the parents if the kids could dribble and play elsewhere...like at the playground. The father looked at me as if he was on his last legs after driving across country all day with a car full of children and said with great patience, "We just need to figure out where that is!"
After that, I couldn't resist slamming my own door shut, after which point I fell on the bed crying in a rather entertaining drama about my rotten luck and how the only thing I wanted, the only thing, was complete rest and solitude. "Is there no peace and quiet left on this earth? When you can't even get it at a bloody retreat center?!!" I live in a neighborhood full of children playing, and this was not the "getaway" I was anticipating. But aside from that, I was upset that I had lost my cool, already broken my silence, and that I was now behaving like a child myself!
I didn't want to hear humans or even machines and noise. Suddenly, in this heightened sensitivity, I couldn't even stand the hum of the fan in my room, and believe me it was HOT. Everything, especially my own mind, was so LOUD! I cried myself to sleep with such grief...not about this family making noise but about the cacophony of the mind and all of life. I was grieving the trap of the senses, the endless distraction, the veil of illusion. Only in hindsight did I see the perfection of this entire encounter. I had to feel that place...that desperate longing for peace and quiet. I had to experience the din to contrast it to the peace and silence that was eventually available to me all over the place. And I had to come to realize that it was there all along...and always in me.
The next morning, I woke feeling very sober. I walked to the Meher Abode and spent an hour and a half meditating at Baba's bedside. Finally, I was in that absolute stillness and quiet I longed for, my mind at rest, feeling the delight and blessing of an answered prayer. I loved Meher Baba's room because there was no room for "me" in it. Everything was illuminated. If nothing else, that moment made my stay there worth everything! But the blessings were just beginning.
Next: Blessings in the Library
2 comments:
This is so great, thank you for posting it. I actually just got back two days ago from a week long stay at the Retreat Center, I was staying in 'Cove 2', I wonder if we were there at the same time!
It's funny, we were right next to a cabin with a family with little kids too! The first night, they were so loud that we had to bang on the wall to make them stop! Hahaha. I think that Baba draws these families to the Center on purpose to shake things up and do just as you said - act as a contrast to the peace that you later experienced.
I was with my Mom and my brother, and I stayed silent for three days as well, wich really annoyed my older brother. I noticed that without an outlet through my mouth, my mind just kept spinning around in my head! There was nowhere for my thoughts to go! One day I left the center with my Mother to get my brother a birthday cake. My Mom started going the wrong way on a one way street!! Wanting to keep my silence, all i could say was "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!" We narrowly missed another car.
After a while, my silence became unamanageable. Making dinner with my Mom, she kept asking me i questions, as if i could speak. Over and over, questions questions questions! I became frustrated at her, and then she at me, and finally i broke my silence and was quite angry. I told her that she hadn't stopped talking for the last five hours (which was true). I later felt bad and apologized.
That experience was similar to yours, because since that explosion I've felt different. On the last night of the retreat, I smiled at my Mom so heartily, and I saw an excitement and happiness in her that I had never seen before. She had this body language as if to say "YES!! WE DID IT!"
Blessings! Don't forget to remain silent for Baba on Silence Day, July 10th. If you cannot be silent for whatever reason on that day, you can also fast instead. =)
Hi Thomas,
Thank you so much for your post. I don't know if I'm more surprised anybody reads my blog or that my retreat neighbor actually stumbled across it! I remember you and your family, and the noisy family of which you speak is one and same. : ) I didn't realize you were practicing silence at the time also. I just thought you were shy. Thank you for sharing your experience and letting me know about July 10th; I was not aware of it.
Post a Comment